Come sail away with me

I’m so sorry for abandoning this blog for almost a year!

the winds of life started blowing, and i got caught up.

I will try to be better and post more

-love you all-

The time I saw the devil in Paris

So,

a few years a go, during the summer between 11 and 12^th grade I traveled to Europe with a school group.

It was our first day in Paris, We parked underground and were taking some stairs up in the street. It was a cool summer morning and I remember being pretty excited about the day. No thoughts of the paranormal were crossing my mind.

As my group (of about 30 High school kids) walked single file up the stairs, I noticed on the other side of the stairs going down was a man.

Now let me try to describe this man to you.

He appeared old, but healthy. Maybe 70 or so, with slightly tanned winkled skin and his hair gray He was very well groomed and just by sight you could tell the suit and pea coat he wore was very expensive.

His posture was very proper and upright. By looking at him you could tell that he knew his place in the world, and that, that place was higher then yours.

But he wasn’t alone, on a leash walking either along side him or in front of him(i cant remember which) was a giant dog. A big great dane. The dog was gray in color and the biggest dog I had ever seen. The animals coat was flawless. It reminded me of a award winning show dog with its posture, obvious strength, and beauty. But the aspect that startled me most about the animal were its red eyes.

Now the thing that made me remember this man the most was the feeling I had when I saw him and his dog. A feeling of…evil(?). It was a chilling stillness in my heart. A sinking feeling in my gut and a mind numbing fear. I don’t really know how to describe it, but as soon as we reached the top of the stairs and away from him I turned to my friend and said “I think I just saw the devil.”

And that lady’s and gentlemen is my story about the time I saw the devil in Paris.

Life

If I were to die today what would my friends and family say at my funeral? To be honest i cant imagine it would be anything of interest. The usual everyday babble spewed at funerals across the  nation. They would describe the positive aspects of  my personality and the few good things I’ve said or done through out my life.
They would grieve and miss me, but it would be a short service with not much to say. For despite my fantasticle imagination and dreams i haven’t achieved much in my life. I’ve thought about doing wonderful things,even planned them out, but when it comes to me planning, things seem to always be put on the back burner to never be seen or heard from again.
But you know what? I’m ok with that. Even if i were to die today, despite a few regrets, I would die happy.
 For I know that I have loved and been loved in return. I know that I have laughed till my hearts content. That I have sung outloud and danced badly. i know that I have dreamed and cried. that I have seen the good in people. and that despite what the news and media like to tell us, this world will go on.
I may just be a small insignificant part of this world, but that sits just fine with me. for this world, and this life are beautiful.

First love Lost

This is a ‘love note’ I wrote back when I was still in high school. I never er gave it to the person of my affections. And haven’t even spoken to them in a few years.

What I feel is real.

There is no denying that. No matter how you feel about me, I still feel this way about you, And that one thought, that one feeling, is all it takes to make it matter. To make it real.

I’ve wondered for so long if I was ‘right’.

If I had justifiable reason to feel this way. But I’m tired of trying to give excuse’s to my emotions.

These thoughts flow through me, and exist entirely and completely within me.

I can not express in words, adequately how I feel.

No words seem suited for it.

I care for you. I always have.

In the past I cared for our future together. I realize now that the future has come to pass and it isn’t what I desired for.

I say I care for you, and yet I don’t know you.

I know the you that exists in my mind, but that person is different form the you that exists in your mind.

You were perfect to me.

The person I felt connected to and wished to be close too.

You were everything I needed and more.

But I could never tell you how wonderful you were. How much your presence brought joy to my being.

And over time I’ve watched you decay.

Its such a horrible word… ‘decay’, but it fits.

The you that once resided in my mind begun to wilt and die and underneath the perfect being you once were I saw a broken soul crying out in anger and angst.

You were breaking right in front of me and yet I did nothing to stop it. Afraid that the words that would leave my mouth would push you farther away.

I fear now that me saying nothing is what caused this invisible barrier between us to be put up.

We talk. We laugh.

And yet nothing is like it was.

I’m filled with an awkward feeling every time you contact me.

You’ve become a stranger to me. Someone so foreign and yet so familiar.

Even though a distance has pushed us apart from each other. I still feel as if you knew me best.

‘knew’ I say.

Because just as you are a stranger to me, I feel as if now I am a stranger to you too.

It fills me with such an awkward feeling to think such a thing..

But I still want you.

I want you to be happy, to be unaffected, whole.

I want you to laugh, to rest

I want you to be the person you once were in my mind.

The person who made me laugh, smile, relax, and let go.

The person who knew everything.

The person I desired.

But I feel as if these desires and hopes are useless and will never come to pass.

People change,

Friends drift apart.

Time passes.

But what happened to that smile?

The laughs we held

The conversations that never ended?

When did I begin to have to force my self to smile around you?

To force meaningless words from my mouth.

Were you the one to break?

Or, was it me?

Am I the one who’s changed?

Is it my doing that we’ve grown so far apart?

Either way, I still want you. In some form or another.

I’ve always wanted you.

To have some claim on your being.

It’s selfish and greedy and yet the most pure thing my mind has ever wanted.

New home

So far I greatly enjoy my new home. Its a townhouse I’m sharing with 5 others. My uncle is the landlord, and everything seems to be going good.

I enjoy my roommates, and I’m making an effort to be more social.

I even decorated my room. something I haven’t really done since the foreclosure when i was 18.